For Men
MEN, you are not alone!
Men are recognizing that abortion was a life changing event for them.
In every abortion choice there is a man affected. The man’s role or lack of role in the decision can create a stream of consequences that may accompany the man through the rest of his life. Men often say, “I don’t feel entitled to my grief. It was her choice. Why do I feel so bad?” There are many ways men and women respond differently to the loss of a child from an abortion choice.
How does abortion hurt men?
Instinct drives men to achieve success in five key areas of their lives. Men are often defined by their ability to: [enjoy] pleasure, procreate, provide, protect and perform. Let’s briefly examine each of these instincts in the context of abortion.
Pleasure.
The desire for men to enjoy pleasure extends beyond the need for sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. It also encompasses the enjoyment of having children, watching them grow, learn and become independent and productive citizens in their own right. Men also seek the pleasure of a life-mate, a wife who will provide companionship through the ups and downs along the way.
Procreate.
Perhaps the most important element motivating man is his desire to procreate. Men provide an essential role in the continuation of the human race. Almost every man, whether he verbalizes it or not, values the idea of having offspring of his own flesh and blood — carrying on the family name or bloodline.
Provide.
A man’s reproductive cycle ends with the act of sex — the same time that a woman’s cycle begins. Therefore a man’s priority shifts from procreation to providing for the mother and the unborn offspring he has fathered. He instinctively knows that this new family will look to him for many of the day-to-day necessities. In his mind it is important that he succeeds in providing for them.
Protect.
Like providing for his family, man is highly programmed to protect his family. During his child’s lifetime there will be many dangers to continually guard against — the threats of illness or injury, making wise decisions and knowing when to say no to a myriad of tempting offers throughout life. The need for a man to protect his offspring should not be underestimated.
Perform.
When talked about in contemporary society, this word most often refers to a man’s sexual ability. While this applies, it is not limited to sexual activity. Performance encompasses man’s ability to perform in various aspects of life. Job performance is often primary to defining a man’s success — the income it generates, the social standing it provides and the attained admiration of his peers. Successful performance in the social arena secures friendships and helps a man achieve his desire for pleasure.
When a man experiences abortion, these key elements of life are seriously damaged, or often totally obliterated.
What is Post Abortion Stress?
Post-Abortion Stress is commonly experienced by men who have fathered children who were aborted. Through the process of denial, some men block the natural process of grieving and dealing with the death of their unborn children. They may deny their responsibility for the abortion, and in so doing block the natural recovery process that must take place before healing can occur.
Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress caused by Abortion: (symptoms listed below may not be all-inclusive)
- Instability in relationships with women
- Inability to bond with children
- Sleeplessness, bad dreams, nightmares
- Avoidance behaviors/addictions
- Sexual dysfunctions
- Lack of confidence or unexplainable anxieties
- Depression, fear of failure, or fear of rejection
- Uncontrollable rage
- Loneliness or numbness
- Sense of loss
Perhaps the most consistent and evident symptom in men due to loss of a child from abortion is anger. A man’s anger and frustration of not being able to protect and provide for his unborn baby, because of abortion, manifests itself in several ways. He often turns to alcohol and drugs to dull the pain of feeling he participated in or was too "weak" to prevent the death of his unborn baby. Many become workaholics to avoid contact with other people or in a desperate effort to succeed in a crucial aspect of their life.
The relationship most always fails after a decision to abort. In addition, future relationships with women are often difficult or impossible. A woman has total control over the decision to abort their baby, leaving the father no legal recourse. This lack of control regarding a critical, life-impacting decision often generates considerable resentment and mistrust towards women. As a result of a previous experience, they do not want to be put into another situation where another pregnancy may occur and they have no control of the outcome. Other symptoms of a man struggling with a loss from abortion may be that he suffers from sleeplessness, panic attacks, poor coping skills, flashbacks, nightmares or self-imposed isolation. He may be unable to hold a job due to his inability to handle decision making, or he may be an excessive risk-taker in work and social environments, setting himself up for failure. This may come from the feeling that he deserves what he gets for being a loser and failing when it counted most — protecting his unborn baby.
DEALING WITH THE SYMPTOMS
Ideally a man should receive counsel to help facilitate his healing emotionally from his abortion experience. In general, men are more successful than women at burying their feelings after an abortion. If a man fails to face the emotional aftermath of losing his child to abortion within the first couple of months, he will often suppress it for many years, making it more difficult to face. Many men acknowledge various problems in their life without connecting them to a previous abortion decision.
Healing A Father's Heart by: Linda Cochrane and Kathy Jones
An insightful Bible study for men touched by abortion. This resource helps guide these “silent, wounded warriors” to move from denial to acceptance and forgiveness through God’s love. Click on the book for purchase information.
Resources For Men:
Go to: http://www.lifeissues.org/men/Resources.html
Resource Information by: Life Issues Institute and Physicians for Life